What’s Up, Wednesday?

During the lull of the last few months I’ve been…

antm logo

… listening to: America’s Next Top Model. I can’t really say that I’ve been watching it, as it’s mostly just been on in the background as I work. I like seeing the results of the photo shoots, and there’s something about Tyra Banks that I just really like for whatever reason. I don’t really have words for why I like her so much, but I do. I know she’s got a reputation for being a little bit cuckoobird, but I love it. She just seems like she’s so unabashedly her, and I admire that. I imagine it’s far easier to just be YOU, weird and goofy and all, with no worries when you’ve got a bazillion dollar empire behind you, but even so. So old seasons of ANTM have been my soundtrack for the last few weeks.

brush calligraphy

… learning: brush calligraphy. This was one of my New Years Resolutions, and unlike some other resolutions that I’ve made in the past, I’ve been working pretty consistently on this one for most of the year. I’m still just okay, but I can actively see improvement from a few months ago, so that’s pretty cool.

game of thrones

… watching: Game of Thrones. Oh. My. God. How did I not hop on this train earlier!? nnngghhhhhhh. Jim and I started watching a couple of weeks ago after my brother bought my Dad season one for Father’s Day (my dad read the first book back in the day, and enjoyed it), and after I accidentally watched the “Battle of the Bastards” episode (the apartmentmate was watching it and I perked up at the SUPER AWESOME depiction of a pitched battle… I love me a good medieval murderfest…) We’re on season 3 now. This show, man… It makes me angry and frustrated, and sad and then mad all over again… but (generally) I love every second.

sansa stark red

…obsessing over: my new Sansa Stark red hair. Basically this is the exact color I’ve always wanted. Sort of ginger, sort of brown, with just a little bit of blonde depending on the light… it’s like, perfect. And after starting to watch game of thrones? I FINALLY had something other than like a video game screenshot (my Inquisitor and my Sole Survivor have this exact color) to use as reference for my stylist. Sansa Stark red. Perfect.

pokemon go

…playing: Pokemon Go. Because who isn’t? Well, plenty of people. But I’m playing, so yea. RIP my phone battery.

armpit cuddles

… enjoying: getting to know this little brat. Sieglinde. My parent’s new Goldendoodle puppy. And brat is definitely the right word for her… But I love her. Full post on her to come.

… working on: getting my life back together. Those of you who have been around on this blog journey with me for a while know that the past year and a half have been rough for me thanks to a persistent anxiety problem. My attempts to get a handle on it by myself just really weren’t working, as the continued silence here probably made clear. So I’ve finally started therapy to get it under control, and so far the experience has been a very positive one. I feel more relaxed and in control of my life than I can remember, really since I left school.

I have what’s been referred to around the internet as “high-functioning” anxiety. It’s not something that you’d see or that you’d know I was struggling with unless you were super close to me. This article describes what it’s like to have that constant “worst case scenario” running through your head but still appear “well adjusted” (whatever that means) to the rest of the world. My triggers are different, and my version of “learning to live with it” looked a bit different, but the overall idea is the same. Someday I’ll feel like the time is right to share my whole anxiety journey with you. Because I’m still in the process of working on changing my thought patterns, that time isn’t now. But I’m feeling like there’s a real light at the end of the tunnel for the first time in a long time.

So that’s like, super great.

What have you been up to the last few months?

“You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us.” —Robert Louis Stevenson

wait

So I mentioned in my “easing back onto the blog” post that this spring has been just kind of hit after hit – it in many ways exemplified the saying, “When it rains, it pours.” But there was one hit that was significantly harder than the others…

We had to say goodbye to our older family dog Rusalka a few weeks ago.

tired plooper

It’s hit us all very hard. I’m still sort of at a loss for words, because she was… something really special. From the very day we brought her home.

Rusalka Puppy Picture

And that description is so incredibly insufficient.

genghis cuddling with rusalka

You know, when Genghis died two springs ago, I was full of words. Full of eloquent eulogies and willing remembrances. The post I wrote back then was originally three times the final length. I just had so much to say – I gushed sorrowful words and tearful memories for weeks.

Chakka and Plooper

When Chakka died last spring, it was a quieter affair. I didn’t get a chance to post about it on here, as it was in the middle of a lull in my posting, but while her loss was felt keenly, somehow the blow was softer. She had been so far gone at the end that it just seemed the natural order of things. It had certainly not been a shock, and it was a relatively smooth transition for us from sorrow to being able to remember her with a smile and a fond chuckle. But again, talking about her came easily.

christmas rusalka

With Rusalka…

snow frisbee

It’s different somehow. It’s difficult for me to put anything into words that don’t feel cheap and deficient. She was just so… good.

posing with tennis ball

I even waited a few weeks to allow it to sink in, hoping that maybe some distance would give me some time to sort out my writing. No luck.

sisters

There’s just this labrador shaped hole that I don’t know how to describe. And every time I try, it all just feels so completely… inadequate. No attempt to verbalize how amazing she was really seems to even come close to giving the full picture.

hashtag cool

So I guess the best I can do is leave you with some photos. A visual memorial of sorts. One I’m sure the internet doesn’t actually care too much about – ya’ll never met her anyway – but one that I feel like I need to post for myself.

my big baby

Rest well, Rusalka. You are missed more than you know.